Christmas Break 3

I have been tested over the past few weeks. Most of the time I am in a group of people but feel alone or I am alone. I can't even feel the Lord most of the time unless I am in ministry mode... and I know then it is only for those I am ministering to. I want to be with people to escape the loneliness but they do not satisfy me... and the Lord does not seem to enough either... I know when you read this it will offend you but it is how I feel right now. I am working through it and will meet with Him even if I do not feel Him. The process that I am going through is good and I asked for it... but growth always comes with some pain.

Spending time with family and friends is a hard thing right now. They ask, "How are you doing?" I can either lie and say, "Oh... pretty good." Or I can tell them how I really feel... "I don't know how to put one foot in front of the other right now... and really feel like death inside... I can't stop crying." Then they will try to comfort me or pray and I appreciate that. Most times they do not know what to do and sometimes just leave. Kind of funny.

I have times of joy every few days or weeks. And I know that I am being made into a lover of God, a man of God, a husband, and a father. It is all worth it! I love this process but it still hurts.