Christmas Break 4

I have been staying in a house with a 25 foot ceiling, 2 fire places, a big screen, a hot tub, and the most comfortable bed I have ever slept on. I drive 2 cars that i do not own. I have powerful experiences in the spiritual realm. Ministry has never been more fruitful. Women tell me I am "what every woman desires... a man who seeks genuinely seeks God, a gentle man, a powerful man.." I am surrounded by people. My family loves me. God loves me. I never lack finances. People write me checks for all my needs or there is always work to provide for me. I am invited places by important people. God promises and then fulfills.

Why do I still cry? Why is this not enough? Before I thought this would satisfy me... now it just saddens me. I question all I hear from God... is it really You?!? Is there a woman who I love? Will You continue to provide? Will You come through? When will it all happen? What is going on?

I do not want to continue to live like this... like the walking dead....

Christmas Break 3

I have been tested over the past few weeks. Most of the time I am in a group of people but feel alone or I am alone. I can't even feel the Lord most of the time unless I am in ministry mode... and I know then it is only for those I am ministering to. I want to be with people to escape the loneliness but they do not satisfy me... and the Lord does not seem to enough either... I know when you read this it will offend you but it is how I feel right now. I am working through it and will meet with Him even if I do not feel Him. The process that I am going through is good and I asked for it... but growth always comes with some pain.

Spending time with family and friends is a hard thing right now. They ask, "How are you doing?" I can either lie and say, "Oh... pretty good." Or I can tell them how I really feel... "I don't know how to put one foot in front of the other right now... and really feel like death inside... I can't stop crying." Then they will try to comfort me or pray and I appreciate that. Most times they do not know what to do and sometimes just leave. Kind of funny.

I have times of joy every few days or weeks. And I know that I am being made into a lover of God, a man of God, a husband, and a father. It is all worth it! I love this process but it still hurts.

Christmas Break 2

This is the first week of my Christmas break. I had a talk with Jimmy last night that was very encouraging... I love that man.

I am sitting here at the Hile's alone and it feels no different than if I am in a crowd. Not really sure about how that works. People want to hang out and I do as well but I do not feel like I used to around people.

I am really feeling like Tom Cruise's character at the beginning of the Last Samurai or Brad Pitt's character after his brother is killed in Legends of the Fall... I feel conflict in side of me... I feel my present circumstances and and I know my future destiny and they war against each other... I struggle to let God bring me into what He has promised me instead of making it happen myself... my spirit is warring against my soul... My spirit is winning but my soul is putting up one hell of a fight.

Christmas Break

I just returned from the Streams Internship in New Hampshire yesterday. I flew part of the way with 2 interns, Kyle and Liz. I don't think I was the best company for them... I was kind of melancholy.

Then in Chicago I had a layover for a few hours. When Kyle and Liz left me I went and sat listening to my ipod and began to weep. I felt lonely to be in an airport full of people and have no one to talk to. This went on for an hour or so. I was not ashamed to cry in public, it was just hard to function. I was constantly checking on my flight. Soon I began to look at people and have knowings about their lives and pain. This made me weep more.

When I got to Cleveland, my wonderful Mom and Dad were there to pick me up. I was not in a talkative mood. We went to my sister's house and ate dinner but I could not really enjoy their company. This whole dark night of the soul makes it hard for me to be around people because I know they are uncomfortable around me.

People can not fill me... only God can. Where is He?

I do not want to be around anyone but I do not want to be alone. I am glad to be going through this before I am in public ministry, married, or have kids... I would hate to put them through this.

Why?

I am starting this blog to try to laugh about the current events of my life and to involve you. Hope this is funny and sad, light and heavy all at the same time.